More on my depressing dating life

I really need to hear some good stories of people finding their soul mate or just plain old ordinary life partner later in life.....I need some belief that this can happen!  I'm starting to think it's a lost cause and I find it all so exhausting - it's too much for this slightly needy/anxiouxly attached introvert.
I'm putting my heart and soul into this - admittedly I'm not going to as many meet up groups now, so should try and get back into that.  May go to a backgammon group this Thursday - I'd love to find someone I could play backgammon/cards with - to think I once said no to a man who wanted children, played backgammon and was really into me - oh regrets I've had a few.  Honestly I tried to like him, but I found him a bit boring - but then he was reliable and had a job and all those good things - I really wish I'd given him more of a chance, I tried but not hard enough I fear.
I've been seeing a bit of a man I met at a walking meetup group - he actually paid for lunch for me last time - even though I picked the place and suggested it!  I was mighty impressed - yes it doesn't take much to impress me - also he rang to say he was going to be 20mins late as he'd been at a funeral - he's punctual, reliable and relatively generous.  So at the end of lunch he said "Should we do this again" and seemed keen, I said yes, but I'm busy most of next week, he said the following week then, I agreed and said, "call me" and we can set a time.  End of the week and I hadn't heard from him!  Annoying - so as I had an appointment near where he lives in a week I texted him this morn to see if he wanted to have lunch before my appointment.  He does and is going to find a suitable place considering my preference not to eat bread.  So again impressive - but why the hell couldn't he ring me - I've instigated our 3 'dates' he seemed keen last time to catch up again - but then nothing....I really don't get it!  What do I do with this man??  Oh there is one thing not so great about him - he's MUCH shorter than me - it doesn't really concern me that much - sure I prefer to go out with taller men but at 6" tall, I know it limits my options!
Then there's a man who lives out of town in a country town and really doesn't have his act together, but I kind of like him.  If nothing else I'd like us to be friends - but he just seems to want sex - well maybe not just but does seem to be somewhat fixated.  He has really chronic rheumatoid arthritis and doesn't seem to be able to hold down a job - I know not sounding great - but I do care about him, even though he plays games and frustrates the hell out of me with his inconsistency and push me pull me behaviour.

More on finding my purpose

In my quest of find my life's purpose I have been finding some interesting information that is starting to mesh together.  I should however say that I'm not sure that I have or even desire to have one clearly defined life purpose - but something to move towards at this stage would be nice.  I found this interesting post on the difficulties that childfree women can have in finding their life purpose in a pro-natal world.  The question - what do I want to create and bring forth in my life? reminds me of a conversation I had not that long ago.  I know I want more love in my life and some (not many - but at least a couple) of relationships with close connections.  So rather than have some kind of ideal picture of what this may look like and my GOAL being to achieve this ideal picture - following Acceptance and Commitment Therapy I can instead VALUE love and connection more. 

Values can be defined as:
A chosen direction in which an individual can always move, no matter what milestones are reached.   

So by valuing love and connection I can  notice when and where I feel love and connection in my life so that I can set myself tasks and direct my life to bring more of this into my life.  So for now valuing love and connection seems as close to a life purpose as I need - it may change - knowing me it will undoubtedly change - but that's life.

How the hell do you hook up with a man?

A post on the bitterbabe was the impetus for this post

I have the view that you can meet men anywhere and yes facebook seems as good a possibility as anything.   I've pretty much given up on Internet dating, but have been going to meet-up groups.  One of them is a boardgamers group, which I really like and there is a man who goes who is interested in me - but it's not reciprocated.  He's about 11/12 years older - not insurmountable but after a couple of divorces doesn't have a cent to his name - earns ok money now but rents his place and seems to have no intention of saving.  He's also got a bit of a pot belly and well he's kind of annoying.  Honestly I don't think I'm that fussy these days but I do want to be with someone who brings something to my life to make it easier - i.e. cooks, shows an ability to save money, is a handyman, is loving and caring - I don't expect the full gamut - but at least one of those would be nice.

Then on the weekend I went on a walk with a group I hadn't been out with before.  Met an English guy who seemed quite interesting - we talked for quite a bit and he seemed interested in me.  Bravely as we were having a drink at the end of the day I said it would be nice to stay in contact and suggested exchanging numbers - he said he'd like to so as I didn't have my phone with me he texted me - when I got home I texted him back said something about sore legs and that I'd enjoyed meeting him - he responded with the same.  So I'm thinking - sounds good.  Then a couple of days later I texted him about the transit of venus - I knew something was happening with venus when we met and couldn't remember what - so when I found out I just texted him with the web address and that I'd found out what was happening with venus.  I got nothing back - not surprising I guess, as a male friend said I should have given him more of an opening.  But I don't know - I think if he's interested he's going to respond in some way.  Anyway this same friend thinks I should contact him on the weekend and see if he wants to catch up for a coffee - but it feels really try hardish - isn't the man supposed to chase the woman....honestly I don't know - I think I'm a lost cause when it comes to dating - it exhausts me trying to work out what one should and shouldn't do and when one should decide 'he's just not that into you'.

What do I have to be proud of?

I played tennis the other day (for the first time in years) with a guy I met through internet dating.  At the end we somehow got onto the topic of children - he has 4 from a previous relationship.  He was saying that having children is the best thing he's done in his life, or something along those lines.  I probably should have just smiled and been happy for him, but I didn't.  I said - "Don't you think that's a bit of an insensitive thing to say to a childless woman?"  Yes full on I know, why can't I just be nice like normal people.  I then went on to say that when people say that it feels like my life is meaningless or at least desperately lacking because I haven't had children.  I know that's not what he meant and it's probably all my issue, but I do feel that people should show a bit of appropriate thought in what they say.  Anyway he took it alright.  We then had a pretty full on conversation with me talking about our pronatalist society and the lack of recognition, acceptance or space for childless women in our society.  His solution was that I should have a child, because he knows a 42 year old who had a child.  He didn't understand why that made me quite angry - I said "Yes we all do, but I can assure you that for every one of those women I know at least 10 who have struggled without succes".

I also talked about how I'd heard of having a child as being likened to a 'get out of jail free' card.  He could see the analogy and didn't disagree - however he then went on to say that he should stop talking as he was feeling quite smug - because he'd gotten out of jail free - largely due to having the title 'father', even though he currently doesn't see his children.  I'm not having a go at this guy at all, I was actually quite impressed with how he handled me talking so directly and at times emotionally.  But at the end I was feeling kind of shit about my situation and he was feeling smug about his.

Anyway tonight as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep, I was doing my usual trick of replaying the conversation.  In my bed without the feeling of needing to perform I was better able to think about the reality.  Really what does he have to be proud of - he got his wife pregnant 4 times - not much to be proud of there (especially as by his own admission there wasn't much love in the relationship) and then he financially supported a family and helped raise his children - of course that is something to be proud of - if he's done a good (or even reasonable) job of it, but then it's not something most people don't do.  So then I thought well actually I can be proud of the fact that I'm living a different life from the norm and from what I desperately wanted and I'm surviving.  Of course I'd like to be doing it with more grace and poise - but to  be surviving and to be able to talk about it like I did today - what it can be like for a single childless woman in our society - that is something to be proud of.  I'm not trying to sound smug and I'm not trying to take away from what this man or any parents have done - but I am trying to acknowledge that there is something I too can feel proud of.  Obviously surviving is not the only thing in my life I want to feel proud of - but for now it's something pretty big.

My thesis

Next year I should be doing my Psychology Honours thesis.  Yes I know - too old for all that stuff - I've already done an Honours and Masters degree, and yes here I am again - mad or what!  Partly I thought that Psychology would be a good career change for a single mother so here I am now childless and wondering if I want to continue with psychology ....anyway just pressing on for the moment. 
I've been trying to get myself organised and not leave my thesis topic to the last minute so I put quite a bit of work into trying to find an organisation who I could do something useful for.  I had some interest from a foster care organisation and as of yesterday was pretty sorted to do a qualitative study interviewing people who had undertaken foster care training and then decided not to go ahead with foster care.  The study would have looked at barriers and facilitators for people contemplating foster care.  It would have been a good study, but there are only a small number of supervisors at my Uni who do qualitative research and so far they have either said no or maybe to me - even though they think it's a great topic.  So with underwhelming enthusiasm and the knowledge that a qualitative study is going to be harder I have just decided so 'stuff it'.  I don't want to make my life harder than it already is, I don't want to be martyr to the cause - trying to do a study that will be useful while fighting an uphill battle. 
So I've just come up with an idea that would look at childless women.  I had originally planned on doing a study on childless women, but then went warm on the idea as I didn't want to have my whole life defined by being childless, I also didn't want to be telling people my thesis topic and outwardly be admitting this is a large part of my life.  So anyway I've kind of decided on a topic, back to square one with trying to find a supervisor - a job for later this week.  Alas I can't say what the topic is as I may be asking you to complete a survey and it's really ruins the study if participants know the hypothesis.  For now I'm just going to rest in my feeling of excitement which feels great after the flat feeling of 1 rejection and one non-commital today.  Also I'll only have one ethics committee to get through at the Uni if I don't work with the foster care agency.

What is 'my thing'?

I really feel as though something is lacking in my life, I'm searching and searching for that thing that defines me.  I guess I always thought it would be, being a mother.  I know in many respects it's not a great thing to define you either - as a friend once said to me - why is something the vast majority of people do seen as being so special? (She has children).  Yet being a mother is quite socially acceptable as a thing to define you.  As I've probably said here before  - I never wanted to be a career woman, so I really don't want my work/job/career to define me.  So what else is there.....Maybe I'm not going to have one big thing in my life that says - Here I am, look what I've achieved.  I think that concerns me, I feel the need to have something I'm proud of, something I've achieved, something tangible the world can see.  I would love to hear from other childless women about what they believe defines them, their thoughts on this subject and just the important things in their life that 'replace children'.

Ambivalence, lassitude & dare I say it ....loneliness

Lately these two words describe me much more than I would like to admit.  Oncoming winter is probably partly the reason, but really it's far bigger than that.  I once had a friend tell me that I was lucky to be single as I had far more options (her partner later cheated on her and she was hooked up again within 6 months!).  Really options are great, but I have said for a long time that I have too many options, in many respects I'd like to be tied to someone, and as scary as it is in some respects, having children takes care of about 20 years of having to decide what to do with your life.  Of course you still have to do and find other things in your life - but there's a great socially acceptable thing that you're already engaged in which engages you with many others in the same situation and in that situation I think the other things are easier to find.

I'm really at a stage where I have no idea what I want to do with the next few years of my life, let alone the rest of my life.  I'm lacking the passion and drive that I used to have, when I felt, not quite that the world was my oyster, but that I was going to have a great life and make a difference somehow.  I don't want to sound completely down, but currently I tend to see this long life of emptiness stretched out in front of me.

I don't seem to be able to make decisions about anything.  I have recently been doing some foster care training and watching all the couples (I was the only single person in there) who had already raised children of their own, made me question whether I have what it takes to be a foster carer and maybe more importantly whether I even want to do it.  I love the idea of doing it with a partner, where all the responsibility doesn't rest on me and I have someone to share the highs and lows with.  When I think about doing it alone, mostly I just feel like I'd rather go back to bed.  So there's one good example of my ambivalence and lassitude, but to be honest it feels like the theme of my life at the moment.  Will I ever feel passionate again?

Maybe the only thing I do feel a strong desire for is to find someone to share my life with....the answer to that from all the pop culture you read is to have a full and happy life doing the things you love and then you'll meet that partner.  So if I'm to believe pop culture, I'm pretty shot on that front.  So for now I just plod on trying to focus on small joys like walking my dog every day and completing some Uni assignments.  I'm hoping some kind of shift may just slowly creep up on me when I'm not looking.