Monday, 2 July 2012

More on my depressing dating life

I really need to hear some good stories of people finding their soul mate or just plain old ordinary life partner later in life.....I need some belief that this can happen!  I'm starting to think it's a lost cause and I find it all so exhausting - it's too much for this slightly needy/anxiouxly attached introvert.
I'm putting my heart and soul into this - admittedly I'm not going to as many meet up groups now, so should try and get back into that.  May go to a backgammon group this Thursday - I'd love to find someone I could play backgammon/cards with - to think I once said no to a man who wanted children, played backgammon and was really into me - oh regrets I've had a few.  Honestly I tried to like him, but I found him a bit boring - but then he was reliable and had a job and all those good things - I really wish I'd given him more of a chance, I tried but not hard enough I fear.
I've been seeing a bit of a man I met at a walking meetup group - he actually paid for lunch for me last time - even though I picked the place and suggested it!  I was mighty impressed - yes it doesn't take much to impress me - also he rang to say he was going to be 20mins late as he'd been at a funeral - he's punctual, reliable and relatively generous.  So at the end of lunch he said "Should we do this again" and seemed keen, I said yes, but I'm busy most of next week, he said the following week then, I agreed and said, "call me" and we can set a time.  End of the week and I hadn't heard from him!  Annoying - so as I had an appointment near where he lives in a week I texted him this morn to see if he wanted to have lunch before my appointment.  He does and is going to find a suitable place considering my preference not to eat bread.  So again impressive - but why the hell couldn't he ring me - I've instigated our 3 'dates' he seemed keen last time to catch up again - but then nothing....I really don't get it!  What do I do with this man??  Oh there is one thing not so great about him - he's MUCH shorter than me - it doesn't really concern me that much - sure I prefer to go out with taller men but at 6" tall, I know it limits my options!
Then there's a man who lives out of town in a country town and really doesn't have his act together, but I kind of like him.  If nothing else I'd like us to be friends - but he just seems to want sex - well maybe not just but does seem to be somewhat fixated.  He has really chronic rheumatoid arthritis and doesn't seem to be able to hold down a job - I know not sounding great - but I do care about him, even though he plays games and frustrates the hell out of me with his inconsistency and push me pull me behaviour.


  1. stay positive ! I got married very young and divorced a few years later. My husband turned out to be a serial liar and he broke my heart. I then looked for a new partner but just kept on meeting odd men, unavailable men,lovely men who just werent interested!! But after 10 years, in my late 30's i met someone who was very unlike the man I thought I had been looking for. But we dated, he made me laugh, I learnt about his interests and he tried to get involved in mine. We also had some shared interests. After about 5 years of dating I plucked up courage to ask him to marry me! he was adamant that he didnt want children, and at the time I wanted a man in my life more than children. I dont know wnhether that was the right path to follow. Who knows? Most men I knew were too careful to risk an unwanted pregnancy anyway.So I have been married now for 19 years. we have our ups and downs but are still together. So maybe the man who would be a good companion is the one who doesnt yet tick all the boxes!

  2. I had two broken engagements and finally got married for the first time at age 43. Hopefully it'll be my only marriage, but so far so good. I often felt like something was wrong with me, or if I didn't feel that way I got the feeling from certain other people that they saw something wrong with me. Whatever, I have been living my life, I don't go around hurting people, I'm honest and hard-working and if someone doesn't think that's enough well then I try to avoid ignorant people.

  3. Hi! There's a comment thread on this post over at

    I don't know if there are insights there that might be helpful to you or not. I guess you'd have to read it.

  4. Hmmm, well after reading that I'm not feeling so bad about being single - it obviously could be a LOT worse.

    But I didn't respond to get into a slanging match, I actually just wanted to ignore this but I feel the need to say some things - not so much for myself but for others. Whoever wrote that stuff should really watch themselves, fortunately I'm far from overweight and have a reasonable level of self confidence. Those kinds of posts are very dangerous to people who are feeling vulnerable and could easily be construed as cyber-bullying - which people are being prosecuted for and more to the point lesser posts have tipped people over the edge. I'll be the first to put my hand up to being far from perfect - aren't we all - but writing that kind of personal derogatory stuff is just not necessary or helpful.

  5. Oh I feel compassion for you. I don't think we men and women were meant to be alone. We have to make the right choices in youth, especially the women, so that we can reap in adulthood. I'm a 30yo male single, but courting this woman for marriage. If it doesn't work out with her I will court another (good Christian) girl (ahem Woman) for marriage.

    I feel compassion because there is a lack of good men because fathers and powerful men have been removed from the life of boys, and the school, the state and the culture have raised them, and they have internalized negative stereotypes about themselves and false beliefs about women and sexuality. I feel bad for young women, especially the attractive ones, that have been duped, because they have their power now, which they must invest in a good man. they are so often spoiled and defrauded by modern ideologies.

    Now is the time to appreciate what we have, and to connect, and to make friends, and join or make a community. Not just one on the internet. Now is the time to develop ourselves, our person, become unselfish, to work for greater good in the world, to submit ourselves to God or to a common cause, a greater good, infinite intelligence (but beware of zealously submitting yourself to an ideology, which can do more harm then good). I think this will put credits into your account, with which you can find your own happiness, and attract a mate, and provide a place to meet a mate.

    I don't believe in "soul-mate". Even if they exist, is it worth spending 10-20 years to find them, and then have higher expectations and greater frustrations and bitterness? Be humble, work hard to avoid narcissism and entitlement attitude. Contemplate the meaning of the word "grace." If you are an older woman regretting the choices you've made in the past, then council younger women and help them avoid the same.

    God loves you and doesn't want to be alone. Have you considered praying? But you have to do your part, in submission to something greater than yourself.

    Above all, when a guy is interested, you have to make yourself available to him, in all aspects. Don't pull back suddenly or make it excessively difficult for the man. And if you reach out to him, that will push him away. You have to start opening like a flower to get a man, and you better not suddenly close up. I think for both men and women, they need to make this a top priority, a place of focus, but not the highest priority, which belongs to God. If they make it the highest priority it becomes their religion. If they don't make it the next highest, they don't get anywhere. I think preceding any union with another, if it is to be real, there must be the felt desire, and this can be painful and scary but I think it is what works, which is why you've got to have some higher power sustaining yourself through the times. You as a woman have got to communicate to the man that you are available. Not cheap, not easy but just available when he initiates. We keep an emotional record of the times when she wasn't available and it increases our fears, until we address them with the woman later on, if ever. You also have to give them incentive. Be interested in them. Don't be easy or cheap, have boundaries, it is not for the woman to be pursuing but she can also be direct in her speech. I like that often. You must give them more incentive and my hope at least is that if women have passed up men and marriage in their youth, and they are older and wanting a mate, that they can have some other value to offer, in terms maybe of wisdom or modesty or humility or other skills, companionship, etc. The words and most pathetic and sad thing to see is an older single unhappy female narcissist, as if she is still as proud as in the days of her youth. She has not yet been broken down. We must all be broken down before we can be restored and made into something better. Good luck. Good bye (God be with ye)

  6. So Anonymous if I at age 41 am not "modest" and "huble" and retain some of my pride, I have not been "Broken down" and so will remain forever a "narcissist" which is in your opinion the same as "older single female" which MUST in your opinion be "unhappy"?
    If that's what men think, I will remain single and proud and female and be far happier than with a guy like you.